Excuse me, I don’t know you.

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You know what’s wrong with today’s society?  No one understands personal space anymore.  I cannot leave the house without either being bumped, crowded in line or within kissing distance of a total stranger at some point during the day.

I understand that I am a small person but come on people there is no need to run me over.  Just today I was leaving the sporting goods store and a woman tried to “brush” past me and nearly spun me around.  I’m sorry were you really in such a hurry to buy camping supplies that you needed to mow me over?  And of course, I was raised correctly so I am the one that apologized which made me even madder.  I wish they made a force field you could turn on when you left the house and when anyone came within 2 feet of you they suffered a tiny shock.  (I don’t want to kill anyone just startle them a little bit)

Then there are the neck breathers.  Oh dear baby Jesus in heaven help me not punch the neck breathers.  I am standing in the exact same line you are in.  I have to wait the same amount of time that you do and breathing your hot, stinky breath down on me is not going to make the line move any faster.  If I can feel your body heat on my back, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE.  I am just going carry one of those fart machines around in my pocket and when someone starts crowding behind me I will just let one rip.  Too bad those machines don’t make the smell as well.

As I mentioned earlier, I was raised correctly so I am a helpful person.  If you look lost, confused or need help with something I automatically hop to it but please, please stop trying to explain your problem to me lip to lip.  I am short but my ears work just fine I promise.  Our breath does not have to co-mingle for you to get your point across.  If you are under the age of 5 or above the age of 70 I’m going to go ahead and give you a pass but anyone else I am just going to start licking.  It’s not like I haven’t just been breathing your germs for the last five minutes anyway, I don’t see how a little lick is going to make it worse.

Let’s all make a pact right now that the next time we leave the house we will pay attention to our surroundings and keep at least 12 inches between ourselves and the other people at all times.  My last nerve thanks you.

 

It’s not my fault. I have a condition.

todolist picLists, lists, and more lists.  I am so tired of lists!  They are never ending.  I have lists for shopping, chores in the house, bills I have to pay, posts I want to write, crap my kids need, appointments for the next month, books I want to read, ugh.

I have micromanaged my life into a series of lists and guess what?  I still don’t get anything done.  Experts tell you to manage your time well by setting a goal, making a list and marking it off as it’s completed.  They say not only will you complete more; you will get a feeling of accomplishment by just marking through each task.  I call shenanigans.  You know what I feel – pressure, anxiety and the need for a nap.  I have actually found that if I complete task that is not on the list, I will go back and add it just so I can mark something off and feel better.

It really has gotten to the point where I need a list for all my lists just to make sure I am looking at each one every single one day.  I also never seem to finish one because I just have to keep adding to them.  I know by now you are sitting there thinking “Well stop your bitching and just stop making lists.”  I CAN’T.  I not only get 0 things done without a list, I cause even more work for myself because I will either miss something and have to go back or I will do the same three things over and over but the dogs will starve to death.  Plus my daughter texts, emails, Facebooks and calls me weekly with lists of her own.  (She’s like a Drill Sergeant)

I came to terms with my scatterbrain and its need for lists many years ago and have mostly been fine with it but I will tell you it is starting to get out of control.  I think that the doctor should just go ahead and give me an official diagnosis so that the next time I forget a major event or run out of clean socks I can just blame it on my “condition”.  At this rate, I could claim it as a disability by age 40 and get a prescribed personal assistant just for my well-being.

STOP LEAVING BABIES IN THE CAR!

I’m going to go ahead and apologize for this post/rant in advance.

STOP LEAVING BABIES IN THE CAR!

What in the world is wrong with these parents that keep leaving their children in the car alone? I don’t care if it’s hot, cold, windy, rainy, snowy or beautiful outside don’t leave them in the car. They are babies. They are helpless. Your number one job in the whole world is to keep them safe period. Do your damn job!!

At least once a week, I read a story of some moron leaving their baby in the car and I get livid. I guess it is the mama bear in me but just thinking about these poor babies makes me want to bring back public hanging. These “parents” should be put in tiny glass boxes and left out in the sun. Let’s see how they like it. And don’t even tell me that they forgot. Unless you have had a full lobotomy, I don’t want to hear that crock of crap. Babies are a lot of things but forgettable is not one of them.

Why are these imbecils even having children? Do we need to implement testing in order to conceive? I mean you have to take a test before you can drive and I am pretty sure bringing another person into the world is just as important. You know what really kills me? None of the stories I have read so far have been about teenage parents or drug addicts. They have been fully grown, normal appearing adults. You have got to be shitting me.

I understand that parenting is hard, I really do. It is the hardest job on planet earth but it is not mandatory. In this day and age especially, if you do not want children, do not have them. It really is that simple. I understand unplanned events as well since I was a teenage parent but there are thousands of couples who would kill for the chance to adopt any baby anywhere. Being a parent is a privilege that comes with responsibility, joy, heartache, love, and terror that should be cherished not “forgotten” and left to die.

PSA – Please be aware of your surroundings and anytime you see a baby alone anywhere contact the local authorities immediately.

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Daughter = Terror

My daughter’s favorite pastime is to torture me and she has become a master.  Her latest device of terror happens to be calling me in the middle of the night while she is walking by herself back to her dorm because she is bored.

Let me explain a few things so that you will fully comprehend my horror.  Kaitlyn is a 20 year old, 5’ tall, beautiful girl and in college 350 miles away.  She also thinks she is indestructible. (Picture a Chihuahua growling at a Pit Bull)  The only thing in the world that scares her are geese.  Don’t even ask.

At least once a week, my phone will ring after midnight and my stomach will drop.  Immediately awake, I will answer and listen to at least 5 minutes of yakking before I can even speak.  After the initial breakdown of how her night went and why she felt the need to be out after dark by herself, I will calmlyish explain to her, again, why this is so dangerous and list all of the other options available to her i.e. her car, a cab, a group of friends.  She will then either pretend not to hear or give me some inane answer like last night’s scientific tidbit of “It’s Sunday.  Sunday’s are always safer.”   How do you argue with that type of genius really?

One of my major goals as a parent is to make sure my children know they have the love and support of their family no matter what, but also that there is also a great big world out there to explore and experience.  I want to give them as many options as possible and never hold them back.  I strive and struggle not to smother their creativity and freedom even though my heart wants to put them in a bubble at least until they are 40.  The problem with this is on the inside I am a nervous wreck.  Internally, I am a whirlwind of panic, anxiety and stress every time one of them describes their latest adventure or starts planning a new one. I’m telling you, it is torture.

To be fair to my son, I have to admit my daughter is the worst one when it comes to terror and I must take full responsibility, unfortunately.  As the girl of the family, I wanted to make sure she was strong, independent and curious.  I did not want the fact that she was female to stop her from doing anything, ever.  I realized I may have overdone it a little on the day she asked me what crack looked like because she didn’t want to ever accidentally try it.  She was 8 years old.

I wouldn’t change either one of them for the world.  Even if I would probably sleep a lot better.

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Pain is NOT a great motivator.

Your life pauses whenever you experience pain for an extended period of time.  The problem with this is that the world around you doesn’t and eventually you come out of your fog and realize just how far behind you have gotten.

I had oral surgery several days ago and for a couple weeks leading up to the surgery I was in mouth agony.  In my lifetime I have birthed 2 children, had a broken nose, broken ribs and chronic migraines (not all at the same time thank you Baby Jesus) and none of that touches what my mouth just put me through.  After three dental visits, oral surgery and eleven stitches, I woke up this morning feeling semi normal for the first time in weeks.  I immediately wanted to go back to sleep.

The house is a wreck, the cupboards are bare, my children no longer recognize me, the animals desperately need a bath, my blog is a ghost town and my friends have already planned my memorial.  My to-do list astounds me.

I wanted to give a great big hug and thank you to all my family and friends that have helped me through this and apologize for anything that might have happened during my pain med haze.

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Sorry not Sorry?

I saw a commercial several days ago that made me pause. It wasn’t mind blowing like I thought the whole egg in the frying pan this is your brain on drugs commercial was, but it has stuck with me and made me analyze my behavior quite a bit.

In this commercial, Pantene is showing a bunch of woman apologizing for what is essentially doing their jobs or living their lives. The first time I saw this, I did a mental fist pump and a little girl power dance in my mind and promptly forgot about it. However, over the next several days every time I said “I’m Sorry” it popped into my brain. It seemed like I was suddenly keeping a mental account of every apology I offered.

Holy crapola do I apologize a lot. I really feel like I should apologize for how often I apologize.

At first, this discovery about myself left me kind of mad. I am a strong, self-assured woman so why am I apologizing so much? What was wrong with me that I felt the need to say I’m sorry multiple times per day? I wasn’t doing anything wrong so what’s the deal? Then as I often do when on a rant, I settled down a bit and proceeded to obsess it to death.

I started to look at some of the instances when I was saying sorry and tried to figure out what it was that I actually meant. I found that I was most often apologizing when asking for help. Anytime, I felt like I was interrupting someone’s day for my needs or asked someone to go out of their way to do something for me I was apologizing. I was also doing this when I didn’t know something and had to ask questions or find out more information from someone.

I realized it wasn’t a sorry that was needed most often but a heartfelt “Thank You”.

I also discovered that saying sorry so often wasn’t from weakness, it was just the go to phrase I was using to indicate that I had good manners. Most of the time, I wasn’t even sorry.  I just wanted to acknowledge the other person’s involvement and show them I appreciated it. Sorry had become the equivalent of “How are you doing today?” in my vocabulary. Just like no one is really asking you how you are doing, I was not really asking for forgiveness. I was pretty much just saying “Sup” without the head nod.

I found this revelation just as disturbing as thinking I was apologizing due to any “inferiority” I felt because I am a woman. There will be plenty of times when I will need to actually ask forgiveness but how much meaning will it really have if I have said it a million times for other reasons?  I am beginning to see exactly why every parent tells their children to “Choose your words wisely.”

Switching an “I’m Sorry” for a “Thank You” isn’t going to be a huge life changing experience or instantly make me a better person but it might be a baby step in the right direction. Plus, it will hopefully let me stop obsessing about my inner character, all because of a damn commercial for a little while at least.

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Sunscreen Anyone?

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My family has decided to make this summer count.  I can remember too many times where the end of summer has caught us by surprise and we have had little to show for it.  This year my son and I sat down with a notebook and came up with 10 things we can all do together.  Some of these things we have done before and some will be new adventures but all will make memories that will hopefully stay with us for a long time.

I have what I often call a “tech” family and we are most often on our computers or phones and can go days without sunshine.  I am as guilty of this as my children but I have decided that this summer we are going to make a concentrated effort to soak up some vitamin D.  Our list is not complicated or even out of our comfort zone but our butts won’t be glued to our desks chairs all day, so that’s a big win.

There are so many great ideas out there on Google, Pinterest, and YouTube about summer projects, trips, and day to day activities and I invite all of you to join me in this summertime venture.  You can set a certain number of activities or just randomly choose an adventure day once a week. When you have completed your adventure write down in a notebook or make a video about each of your favorite things from that activity or trip.

We can all start a tradition every summer of these “adventures”.  Just think of all the notebooks or videos you will have to look back on and to cherish.

Our Summer List

  1. Fishing
  2. Bowling
  3. Spend a night stargazing
  4. Trampoline Park
  5. Zoo
  6. Walk Dogs More
  7. Spend a whole day swimming
  8. Family Game Night (Board Games Only)
  9. Picnic in the park
  10. Watch a sunrise

 

The Last Laugh

I love to laugh.  No matter what you look, act, or smell like, if you can make me laugh we are friends forever.  I have been researching different ways to improve myself when I ran across a very exciting tidbit.  Laughter is actually physically good for you.  I knew that it made you feel better mentally but it is also physical exercise.  Exercise!  There is a whole branch of medical study about the physical effects laughing has on your body called Gelotology.  I promise, Google it.

Laughter has been shown to boost your immune system, increase your oxygen levels and strengthen your muscles.  Who knew that YouTube was actually good for you?  Next time I’m too wiped out for the gym, I will just click on over to my Pinterest Funnies and get my workout on.  Click the link and we can go workout together. http://www.pinterest.com/all/humor/ (You know it’s never fun to exercise alone)

Factual and some slightly disturbing reasons to laugh:

  • Lowers Cortisol and Epinephrine levels that suppress the immune system.
  • Causes faster breathing which increases the bodies oxygen levels.
  • May lead to hiccuping and coughing which clears your respiratory tract by dislodging mucous plugs.       You’re welcome.
  • Laughing 100 times is equal to 10 minutes on a rowing machine or 15 minutes on an exercise bike.
  • Deep laughter massages your major organs and boosts circulation.
  • Strengthens the muscles in your face, stomach and diaphragm.

Now if scientists would just figure out a way to make alcohol burn calories I could die a happy woman.

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#dontsayshit

I love social media.  Not only can I keep up with my friends and families lives but when used correctly, I really feel it can help change the world for the better.  I came across a post from Bob, an old friend of mine today and the message was so extraordinary I just had to share.

Seeing how hard my kids try to emulate everything I do is my greatest motivator. From eating right, exercising, working hard, being nice to EVERYBODY, volunteering, appreciating the gift of nature etc.. the only way to change this scary culture is one family at a time with parents leading by example. Next up my language!!! #‎dontsayshit

The world has indeed gotten scary and appears to be getting scarier.  It seems every time I turn around some child is shooting up a school, our veteran’s hospitals are being investigated, children are going missing, we still can’t find an airplane full of people and not once have I heard of a plan to solve any of it.  I don’t know if the people in charge are too stupid, too overwhelmed or too greedy to work together to fix our “scary culture” but they are obviously not to be relied on.

When I read his post, I immediately felt a little better.  Here was a plan, a basic, straightforward, no nonsense way to make life a little better.  The best part is that it can be put into place immediately.  Don’t get me wrong, I promise you that it is not as simple as it sounds.  Just being nice to EVERYBODY will exhaust you at first, not to mention the exercise and eating right makes me shudder a tiny bit but think of the rewards.  If you are happy and healthy those around you will notice and want to be too.  Everyone wants to look and feel better, I promise.  Nor is it an overnight miracle.  History has proven over and over again that all change starts slowly and grows into a way of life, be it positive or negative.  I, for one, am ready for some positive.

I am going to take my friend’s advice and start one family at a time.  I am sure I will fail many times and with many things (It would take a miracle to make me actually stop saying shit) but I am going to try.  When I mess up, I will just start over.  If I get overwhelmed, I will stop and breathe and smile at a stranger.  I will go outside and appreciate the beauty that surrounds me.  I will remind myself that life is so much bigger than me.  Maybe if we all at least tried, we can start making the next generation less stupid, less overwhelmed and less greedy.

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A Real Wild Child

I read a shockingly horrifying story today.  Lifetime has a new series coming out that centers around pregnant women giving birth in the wild!!  As in outside, in the woods, on the ground, like a bear kind of wild.  I shit you not.  This is the tag line the network released to the press.

“What happens when the craziest experience of a woman’s life becomes truly wild, and soon-to-be parents decide to take on an unassisted birth in the outdoors?”

Reading just that line makes me nauseated.  I don’t know what I find more disturbing, that they expect me to watch an actual birth for entertainment or that there are women out there that are squatting in trees to push out babies for money.  I’m sorry, but I had a hard enough time watching my own children’s births so I certainly can’t imagine watching a total strangers.  On top of that, Lifetime is calling childbirth a crazy experience, not magical or life changing but crazy.  They are not bungee jumping or sky diving for crap sake. These women are bringing human beings into the world.  Lord help us all.

I understand natural childbirth, water births and at home births (mostly) but jungle births??   I imagine, behind the scenes there will be doctors and nurses on stand by in case of an emergency but are these people for real?  I cannot wrap my brain around any pregnant woman agreeing to do this.  Pregnancy is often miserable enough and then you are going to add mosquitoes, poison ivy and animal feces?  Call me crazy but I wouldn’t even let my dog give birth outside.

What I find the most disconcerting is that people will actually watch this show, which will then make networks keep pushing the boundaries for higher ratings.  Someday soon, we will get to see not only the birth itself but the actual conception right in our very own living rooms.

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